Some couple's, on the other hand, begin the counseling process having already done some significant damage to each other, often over weeks or months. Such damage usually comes from one partner attempting to cope with feelings of dissatisfaction, helplessness, or even boredom by engaging in sexual infidelity and economic betrayal (one partner is spending money in secret). Of course, such coping mechanisms for dissatisfaction and frustration have nothing to do with “feeling better,” but merely represent a deepening of conflict and pain. Feeling better at your partner’s expense can not possibly lead to lasting satisfaction and happiness.   

Other couple's begin counseling with significant and very serious quantities of damage intact from years or even decades of harming each other. These couples are usually on the verge of separation or a termination of the relationship. Often times, the fate of this couple will have a pervasive and deep impact on the lives of others (children, family members, friends, etc).  

No matter which couple you resemble, the process begins with the creation of psychological awareness. An open recognition of all those things between a couple that they normally never talk about is a necessary starting place. Moreover, each member of the partnership must also become willing to go to these "scary places," both with themselves and with each other. Most couple's, even if they started out healthy and happy, somehow (across time) lose the ability to effectively maintain that co-created health and happiness. Cultivating a deep and abiding awareness about each other, and the relationship, as they actually are, is therefore the first step. This builds the foundation for authentic caring and intimacy.  

Next, the couple learns to cultivate true communication. It is very easy for us, as human beings, to mindlessly get out of step with each other. This is the primary reason why the old bromide that "relationships are hard work" tends to be true. Unless we strive to communicate our ongoing, internal lives - unless we actively learn to make room for each others ongoing changes - things will naturally tend to derail and get out of balance. Regaining honest and compassionate communication takes a combination of trust, openness, and courage that couple's have simply sometimes lost somewhere in the "day-to-day-ness" of their lives. Many couples simply get into an unhealthy routine together, the relationship goes on automatic pilot, and eventually a crash of some kind takes place. Sometimes it feels more like things have become "stuck," and a gentle push or a breakthrough of some kind is needed. Either way, however, learning to genuinely communicate is often all that is necessary for a couple to again "take flight" and learn enjoy each other.   

Finally, in an ongoing way, the couple must learn to accept and make room for each other. People change as time draws on; therefore patience and kindness (the foundations of acceptance) are the life blood of any long term partnership. Personalities and priorities shift, religious and political beliefs change; the couple's economic and family realities may have been dramatically altered since the beginning of the relationship. Learning to be aware of who your partner really is, and then learning to genuinely communicate -these are different then learning to openly accept your partner as they are. Making room for someone you love to evolve and change (when that evolution is totally beyond your control) is often more vulnerable and difficult then it sounds; many people in relationships, somewhere along the line, just simply stopped making room for their partners. When couple's can master this final step of genuine acceptance, things again radically shift for the better in the relationship.        

Finally, it should be noted, that couple's counseling is not a panacea; nor is counseling capable of "a magic cure." In essence, sometimes relationships are so badly damaged they can not be fixed. In such cases, counseling can then become an enlightened, and honest realization of this fact; a process where both people find themselves again and learn to move forward as individuals. If the partnership being dissolved involves children, then making sure the split happens with compassion, understanding, honesty, and patience is all the more important.  
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If you and your partner are seeking a genuine, effective, and transformative process, please contact Dr. Parker Wilson today for a free, confidential telephone or email consultation. 

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